The Selfish Gene's Pool

1. Name: Emma
2. Nickname: Ems
3. Birthday: 11th August
4. Place of Birth: Scotland
5. Zodiac Sign: Leo
6. Male or Female: Female
7. Education: Starting university
8. Schools you went to: The school of life, man!
10. Current Residence: My new flat with my lovely boyfriend. :)
11. Screen Names: Elerian Ithien, Huelgoat forest, Elberess, Hellopianokitty, Theselfishgene

Your Appearance
12. Hair color: Brown
13. Hair Length: Shoulder length, with fringe of doom
14. Eye color: Grey
15. Best Feature: Easily stowable into overhead compartments (Apparently I'm also compassionate.)
16. height: 5'1"
17. Braces?: I prefer wonky teeth.
18. Glasses?: Supposedly.
19. Piercings?: Bellybutton and ear.
20. Tattoos?: None
21. Righty or Lefty: Left handed.

Your 'Firsts'
22. First best friend: Ailsa
23. First Award: I won the competition for helping to make the Guy to put on the bonfire, at primary school. :D
24. First Sport You Joined: ...
25. First Pet: Ginger tabby called Taggart.
26. First Real Vacation: I think it was either Skye or Mull.
27. First Concert: Ludovico Einaudi.
28. First Love: My first boyfriend.

Favorites
29. Movie: Pffft. Probably Blade Runner.
30. TV Show: Anything related to food.
31. Colour: At the moment, purple.
32. Rapper: Don't know.
33. Band: Does Einaudi count? Breaking Benjamin otherwise.
34. Song Right Now: Real Radio, man talking.
35. Friend(s): Me, Gareth, Rosalind, Jennifer, Shona (sad, I know).
37. Sport to Play: Wii Sports?
38. Restaurant: Sushiya, or I-Ching.
39. Favorite brand to wear: None in particular.
40. Store: Holland and Barrett. I enjoy food.
41. School Subject: Music and writing.
42. Animal: Cat, raven etc
43. Book: That is not an easy question to answer. Dune probably.
44. Magazine: National Geographic.
45. Shoes: Little black slippers.

Currently
46. Feeling: My living room smells like cheap microwaveable burgers. O_o
47. Single or Taken?: Taken.
49. Eating: Oxygen.
50. Drinking: Blackcurrant squash
51. Typing: The word, "Hello".
52. Online?: Well, yes. Funny that.
53. Listening To: Gareth was talking about Pern and I was nodding and saying ,"Yes, no, maybe."
54. Thinking About: How my boyfriend is cruel.
55. Wanting To: Close the window.
56. Watching: Boyfriend, doing star jumps.
57. Wearing: Black top, black trousers.

Future
58. Want Kids?: Yup. :)
59. Want to be Married: Yes indeed.
60. Careers in Mind: Teacher, I suppose.
61. Where do you want to live?: For now, Edinburgh is just fine.
62. Car: My feet.

Which is Better With The Opposite Sex
63. Hair Color: Brown.
64. Hair length: Slightly long, but not like hippy long or anything.
65. Eye color: Chameleon.
66. Measurements: Cute and compact.
67. Cute or Sexy: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD, I don't KNOW!
68. Lips or Eyes: Eyes.
69. Hugs or Kisses: Both?
70. Short or Tall: Short.
71. Easygoing or serious: Easygoing, must be the antidote to my own, slightly neurotic personality.
72. Romantic or Spontaneous: Bit of both, which I seem to have found.
73 ?: Uh, yes.
74. Sensitive or Loud: I have a boyfriend who features both.
75. Hook-up or Relationship: Relationship, of course.
77. Trouble Maker or Hesitant One: Hesitant, like totally.

Have you ever
78. Kissed a Stranger: Yes.
79. Had Alcohol: Reason for the above.
80. Smoked: Not really.
81. Ran Away From Home: Sort of.
82. Broken a bone: No.
85. Broken Someones Heart: Yes, twice. AHAHAHAHAAHAHAH.
86. Broke Up With Someone: 3.
87. Cried When Someone Died: No, not all. That doesn't upset me.
88. Cried At School: Probably.

Do You Believe In
89. God - No.
90. Miracles - No.
91. Love at first sight - A bit.
93. Aliens - Probably.
94. Soul Mates - Yes. :)
95. Heaven - Nope.
96. Hell - Nope.
98. Kissing on the first date - I live by that rule! :D
99. Horoscopes - Not really.

Currently I am sitting in Gareth's flat, using his ridiculously impressive yet curiously impractical Sony Vaio to pass time on the internet.

Some poor person from a call centre just phoned me to pedal some mobile contract or something. But I'm getting a shiny, new LG Viewty this weekend. So I hung up.

Found out that I'm flat-footed yesterday at the doctor. So that rather arresting pain in my feet is actually *not* a product of my imagination! I was pretty surprised to be honest, but I have an appointment with a Private Podiatrist (sounds so exciting!) next Thursday at 10am. Unfortunately I will have to spend about £60 on getting some special insoles to correct my wiley ankles. And if they make me unable to wear my favourite shoes... well... *Sob* :'( Was rather amusing when the doctor derided my poor Converse. But then again, they do have the podiatral usefulness of rubber balloons tied up with candyfloss.

Gareth has received some very sad news. I just have to try to be there for him. I have no idea what to do, and feel powerless. I am powerless. He hides his feelings so thoroughly. You would think that it did not even bother him. But it does. It is an agony I can not imagine. All I can do is hold him. I hope it's almost enough.

To exacerbate that situation, there has been problems with his flatmates. In their seeming resentment as to my presence. Gareth has decided not to move in with them next year. This is of course a scant week before the lease was to be signed that would have bound him irrevocably. I am rather glad, as is he, that things came to a head before that point. Should have written about the situation while I was still incensed, because at this point I simply have gotten fed up with regurgitating the same points over and over. Needless to say the gripes were petty to say the least.

Gareth and I will be taking the rather chancy and deliciously exciting risk of moving in together.

Points for:
1. I love him
2. We get on like a house on fire (ho, ho)
3. It will help keep us together when we're at separate universities
4. It will save a shitload of money (as in about £300 month for me)
5. I love him (Yup, put that twice, because it's ridiculously true)
6. Next logical step in the relationship
7. No demanding flatmates!

Points Against:
1. Could break us up
2. We will have been going out for six months when we move in
3. He's a little messy

I guess we shall see...

1. What curse word do you use the most?
I won't lie, and make my life seem exotic and exciting in the process. It's the 'f' word. Although more recently, "For the love of F***!"

2. Do you own an iPod?
Yeah, he's terminally ill though. Headphone connection just won't last. :(

3. What person on your Flist do you talk to the most?
A flist sounds delicious! Whatever it is.

4. What time is your alarm clock set to?
It's set to ten twenty! :D That's because I start work at 12pm and I'm soooo laaaazy when I'm on my own.

5. Do you still remember the first person you kissed?
Unfortunately yes, although only at moments like this. :S

6. Do you remember where you were the morning of 9/11/01?
Well the morning was actually my afternoon. I was at my friend's gran's, eating penguin biscuits and watching the News rather than Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for once.

7. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
I don't mind. If I had a camera I could pick up and use I would never stop using it though. Mine requires battery charging constantly so I hate it.

8. What was the last movie you watched?
Uh... pffft... watched a lot recently. Lots of bits of movies. Letters from Iwo Jima was maybe it.

9. Do any of your friends have children?
Not really.

10. Has anyone anyone ever called you lazy?
Largely myself.

11. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep?
I would if I didn't know better. There are a few things that help me sleep though. ;)

12. What CD is currently in your CD player?
I'm listening to Breaking Benjamin. (No CD involved though. Yes, they're in my flat!)

13. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
CHOCOLATE!!!!

14. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
As I was lifting a carton of milk out of one of the cages at work, it told me the meaning of life.

15. When was the last time you had Starbucks?
A wee while ago. Coffee is not exciting or particularly tasty. Caffeine is far too effective on me also.

16. Can you whistle?
I *am* whistle!

17. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Their eyes. :)

18. What are you looking forward to?
Spending time with real people instead of computers, books and pianos. (Customers don't count either.)

19. Did you watch cartoons as a child?
Yes, oddly enough.

23. Do you own any band t-shirts?
Oddly, no.

24. What will you be doing in one hour?
The same thing I do every night in the holidays. Feel abandoned, in the sense of Harry Potter, and lament my loneliness.

25. Is anyone in love with you?
At least one person.

26. What was the last song heard?
I'm listening to Smooth Criminal right now.

27. Last time you cried?
It was at an episode of Bleach. *sniffle*

28. Are you on a desktop computer or a lap top?
Laptop, although it's on my desk. GEEZ LOUISE!

29. Are you currently wanting any piercing or tattoos?
Nope.

30. What's the weather like?
Scottish.

31. Would you ever date a girl/guy covered in tattoos?
Sure, why not?

32. What did you do before this?
Phoned my mother. Yes, *that* bored and lonely.

33. When is the last time you slept on the floor?
When I was sleeping on my friend's floor in halls. About 18 months ago I guess.

34. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
Minimum of 8. More or less and I look like a zombie. Less and I also start to go insane.

35. Do you eat breakfast daily?
If I didn't I would die at work. So only recently, yes.

36. Are your days fast-paced?
They're slooooooow.

37. What did you do last night?
Napped, ate food, watched cookery programs, phoned boyfriend, had difficulty sleeping. That sounds so pathetic. -_-

38. Do you use sarcasm?
Who doesn't? >:S

39. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
20. I will no longer be a teenager.

40. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
Yes.

41. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Has Six Flags ever been to you?

43. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex?
Pfft, girls can be such airheads. Guys can be such asses. I judge more on personality.

44. Do you like mustard?
OH YEAH.

45. Do you sleep on your side?
Sometimes, depends. ¬_¬

46. Do you watch the news?
Not unless I'm home.

47. How did you get one of your scars?
This morning I sliced my finger while whittling a baguette, so let's just see shall we? :D

48. Who was the last person to make you mad?
Most certainly MYSELF. >:@

49. Do you like anybody?
I like people in general. I especially like my boyfriend. He's nice.

50. What is the last thing you purchased?
Some olives, a lemon and a baguette.

Oh lord I cannot seem to shake the hatred I have for being alone! Alone with nothing to do! For when I am truly alone I cannot muster the enthusiasm to do anything at all. I feel like a piece of paper half shaded in. A thing without a name or reason, and therefore no validity. Emma alone wants to eat and sleep, and perhaps feel sorry for herself into the bargain.
But little else.

Now I write in my journal to try and close the gap between the now and 11.30pm, when I will probably feel tired enough to sleep. Conversation would turn those four hours into four seconds. But alone I can talk only to myself, and to myself there is nothing new and interesting I can say.

*emo sigh*

I did not expect Delia Smith's new cookery book, "How to Cheat" to cause such feelings of irritation and disbelief to gather in my relatively immature little mind. My mother had purchased a copy of the plastic enshrouded tome, to accompany the Summer and Winter Collections already housed on the kitchen bookshelf, and nestle comfortably against "How to Cook". But upon licking my lips and opening the latest of Delia's offerings - for yes, I am the sort of person who drools over glossy pictures of cakes and roasts - I was most severely disappointed.

Pre-prepared mashed potato? FROZEN Risotto? Tins of mince? I think the latter has replaced dear Delia's brain. In a society which has became increasingly fixated on the words, "Organic", "Fair Trade" and "Eco-Friendly", I can't imagine what sort of reception the cook expects to find with such clear blasphemy. The same consumers who would gladly watch Mr Whittingstall create a ten-bird roast, no doubt from birds he hatched himself and fed on home-made cupcakes and soufflé, could not possibly be the same consumers who will lap up this conveniance food filled "cheating".

The most obvious, most glaring, most ultimately ridiculous part of the whole outing is the money involved. Now I am unfortunate not to possess a copy of the book in front of me, but it does not take complex calculations to work out that creating home cooked food is on the most part far cheaper than buying a wastefully packaged and woefully small portion of the latest Supermarket offering. I offer for your consideration, mashed potato.

Price of Frozen Mashed Potato: £2.34 (Or £2.60 a Kg as Tesco.com helpfully reminds me.)

Price of Home Prepared Mashed Potato:
900g of Potatoes - 55p
Now here's where I ignore the cost of the milk and butter entirely. Why? Because milk and butter are sitting in the fridge anyway. They are not a cost. I do not decide to have mashed potatoes for tea and splash out, excuse the pun, on milk that I would never have bought under any other circumstances.
Total: 55p

But, I hear you cry, the saving is only marginal, only £2! The principal, I find, multiplies those few pounds into something more considerably. Driven home when I read an arrogant poster which read, "Who still peels a potato?" whilst waiting on a train.

If the obvious environmental impact is ignored of transporting and packaging and producing and maintaining the frozen state of the undoubtedly inferior hunks of frozen potato is delivered first, I'll tell you who still peels a potato. Probably not the lazy, corpulent individual with a freezer chock-full of fatty, salty, oven-ready delights. But myself, I had peeled a potato the previous night. Tell a lie, I had peeled four potatoes. Rolled up my sleeves and prepared fresh roasted potatoes that lived their short lives without once feeling the harrowing embrace of jack frost. Myself who works five days a week and must budget to subsist off of a mere £25 a week for food, which I often share with my tragically culinary-impaired boyfriend.

And what else do I eat? I prepare pasta sauces from scratch, chilli, stir fries, soup, stew. Anything and everything. I am slim and healthy and enjoy hearty meals far larger than the paltry portions that emerge from a microwave in wobbly plastic trays. I find cooking a challenge, obviously high in its rewards, and essential. With practise and planning almost everything I cook is on the table in thirty minutes, and anyone who claims not to possess that amount of time I indeed do feel sorry for.

But of course Delia, feel free to peddle your cheating. For an overweight, enivironmentally-detrimental nation seemingly ignorant to the once treasured art of 'cooking'. Encouraging the masses of conveniance-food addicts away from a streamlined tray of soggy lasagne, and into the realms of dishes that require far more of the unhealthy and uncecessarily packaged atrocities.

And please, when you've achieved what it is you set out to do, can you then inform us all what exactly that actually was.

P.S. I adore your recipe for perfect rice, especially with addition of slivered onions.

The feeling, again. It curls around everything I see and pushes it away. It has arrested me so these past days that I can not even grasp at reality. It is a song, and I can not stop it half way through and be safe and well. I feel the interminable progress, and know that it will only cease when the darkest, deepest feeling has made itself known.

On Friday I walked. Away from everything and everyone and the normal found me on a bench by the canal. Trees and grass and the smell of evening washed over me and held me safe.

Last night it found me unaware and unwilling. It tore at me so long. He left me because I could not make him stay and he would not. I smiled, and admired my back in the mirror as I gouged it with a blunt razor. The blood was warm, and there I found myself, myself once again. It stung me to sleep.

He had made himself so horribly drunk, for as he put it, he felt like it. I could not feel more alone than when I could see his face and yet he was not there. He threw up for about two hours, I stroked his back and told him it would be okay. This fact he will not remember. At points I was so worried, I thought he would die. And even when he finally passed out, I could not still my mind. I did not close my eyes until six in the morning.

He finally forced his eyes open at something like 12 in the morning. I told him I was upset and received a weak, "Sorry." He then announced he had to, as in by pain of death, leave me once again. It was my fault then. The feeling will not recede even an entire day it seems. So it is me and the mirror and then the release and once again the normality but cold. He sees and tears pool in his sharp eyes, and he leaves me. I hear the door close. And I push my face into the pillow here and fall asleep but it is not enough.

I woke. And like a waking creature fresh emerged from dreams of non-existance, I found everything within the room a stranger. You stood before the mirror and I drew that image into my mind of who was this and why. And from the void of thoughtless dark within my brain, there became a sourceless light. A warmth entwined my soul and smiled without movement upon your form. I awoke and fell in love.

It is not without the thought that
in those deep blue eyes I fall
and you might think when cold and far
I build this high and frightening wall
that I have nothing in my mind
and emptiness that closes and does not let die
but you would find
that even in that darkness where I will not tread
even in that darkness
where all feelings dead
and fall
there is still that love which even twisted hides
but cannot die
it still tugs at me and your fingers still upon my cheek
cannot lie
that I love you

I have far too many locations upon which I empty words like these. This journal is for when I cannot decide, or more likely cannot find where it is I wish to write. I believe for reasons probably not amounting to more than "I am bored" I shall document the details of these precious vessels.

Present

1. Diary
My diary is a hardback with size and appearance of a book. It is a yellow brown with a beautiful satiny ribbon to keep the correct day. To feel proper I write within my diary only serious and useful writings which document the more important points within my life. Also when I travel it will happily provide a little lair to record holidays and trips.

2. Poem Book
I love my poem book. It is an A4 size hardback, with a dark blue cover that is pleasantly rough to the touch. I have written many poems and some journal entries into it. I would be writing in it at this very minute but that it is the most frequently crafty of my books and hides as it wishes beneath my bed. It has illustrations and a thousand poems of angst. It came into creation this time last year.

3. Notebook
I cannot remember how the notebook came within my possession but that it leapt into my arms as I was leaving for work. I had a poem worming around in my brain at that point in time and so the notebook endeared itself to me. It is nicely portable, hideable, and writeintoable, but unfortunately my poems do not feel correctly catalogued when only written into its thin pages.

4. Laptop
There is a certain sensation to be gained from holding a pen, and another from typing furiously before a glowing screen. The pen is for me a medium for thoughtful creation, especially rhymers. The laptop prefers the poems which are already arranged within the mind and require only to be deposited into the real world.

Past

1. Lair of Poems

The lair is a product of undiluted teenage angst, from the mind of a particularly saddened 14 year old girl. It is the necessary but ugly sketch before a masterpiece. It also acts as a diary of hidden meaning and occurence. I filled it to the brim and keep it still.

2. Diary the Previous

Diary the previous proved too light and of so little consequence that new leaves had to be turned over and so Diary was born. It is interesting in a sense of events only.

3. Misc.

There are many more places with perhaps only one verse or scrawling etched within, but so numerous are these that I could not exclude them from this list. They are precious particularly when discovered after the prose within is long forgotten.

1. What Do You Say Most When You're Trying Not To Curse?
"Oh GOOOOD" or else "AAAAAGH"

2. Do You Own An Ipod?
He is called Ebbe Moonwing and I love him.

3. Which Person(s) s Do You Talk To The Most?
Probably at the moment my boyfriend.

4. What Time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To?
My alarm clock is my brain, and it's set for, "Oh, no reason to wake up, so I'll just blank out until 12pm."

5. Do You Want To Fall In Love?
:)

6. Do You Wear Flip-Flops When It's Cold?
To keep my feet warm? :s

7. Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture?
I don't really mind.

8. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?
I think it was Beetlejuice.

9. Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children?
Nope, that would be slightly scary.

10. Has Anyone Ever Called You Lazy?
Yes! It's a motivation thing.

11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep?
No way. That's just a bad idea.

12. What CD Is Currently In Your CD Player?
I don't use CDs

13. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk?
Chocolate! It has to be soy though. Mmmmm.

14. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?
Not so much a secret as something I didn't know.

15. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks?
Positively hages ago.

16. Can You Whistle?
Like a virtuoso

17. Do You Have A Trampoline In Your Back Yard?
I do not have a back yard

18. Do You Think People Talk about you behind your back?
I'm not immune, I'm sure

19. Did You Watch Cartoons As A Child?
Totally! :D

20. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To?
Bladerunner, Terminator, Beauty and the Beast

21. What Is The Last Thing You Purchased?
Bus ticket

22. Is There Anything Wrong With Girls Kissing Girls?
As long as I'm not one of them

23. Do You Own Any Band T-Shirts?
No

24. What Is Your Favorite Salad Dressing?
Anything with mustard

25. Is anyone in love with you?
It's a nice thing to believe :)

26. Do You Do Your Own Dishes?
Well no one else is going to!

27. Ever Cry In Public?
Noooooo.

28. Do You Like Anyone?
:D

29. Are You Currently Wanting Any Piercings Or Tattoo?
Not at the moment.

30. Who Was The Last Person To Make You Mad?
That would have to be an irate customer at work.

31. Would You Ever Date Anyone Covered In Tattoos?
Why not?

32. What Did You Do Before This?
Got ready for work, washed my sheets, took a picture of how horrific my bedroom looks. (Post-party...)

33. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?
Pffffft. Must have been in someone's halls in first year.

34. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?
7 would be the minimum. Although ideally 9.

35. Do You Eat Breakfast Daily?
Breakfast makes me feel ill.

36. Are Your Days Full And Fast Paced?
No, I make sure of it. :p

37. What are you doing right now?
Watching the clock! I have to run out the door in 3 minutes or I'll miss the bus to work!

38. Do you use sarcasm?
Hahahaah, oh yeeeeeeah.

39. Have You Ever Been In A Fight?
Not for a good while.

40. Are You Picky About Spelling And Grammar?
Yes indeed. Although not in people I know well.

41. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
No.

42. Have You Ever Gotten Beat up?
Nope.

43. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?
Definitely the opposite. They're so much easier to read.

44. Do you like mustard?
YES!!!! :P~~~~

45. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach, Or Back?
Mainly my side. Depends on how I'm being cuddled. :)

46. Do You Watch The News?
Not unless it's in front of me.

47. How Did You Get Three Of Your Scars?
Sister scratching me, knife slipping, hitting head on metal grill

And that's me with 60 seconds to get out the door! AGH!

It ends.
There is no blood,
no great gaping crevice splits the road,
I am not consumed by fog and shadow,
the stars still in the sky unmoved,
upon the earth still whole still gaze.

The words still flow,
whispers still the river,
no great ribbon has been severed,
that from me to you life held dear,
we did not die.
It ends.

I'm tired. Not physically, but mentally. Of this life here in Edinburgh. I'm tired of my room. Of the walls, the floor, the tired blue couch, the beige carpets. Of the city that ate up everything green and then sprawled out and ceased to move.

I want to go home, and I'm not sure why. Home is not home, will never be and has never been. But I want to work to earn, and not to pay the ridiculous amount of rent this flat demands.

I miss hearing a creaking door followed barely perceptible padding across the carpet. My little cat landing softly on the edge of the bed.

I miss walks in the glen. The broad, leafy trees towering above me and sighing in the wind.

Listen to me. All I ever want is what I don't have! There was a time when I praised this place to the high heavens. What has changed? Is it that I have spent enough time here to grow bored? I have an idealised notion of my return to home. I will find a job, make lots of money. I will be able to buy nice things to amuse myself and I will be able to see my friends. Here I can only make enough to scrape by unless I work myself to the bone. That at least is true.

But the task before me is not so easy. I have to find a job back home, and someone to take my place here. I think I'll try to find a job first.

On Friday I got a cough.
At work I noticed the feeling in my throat and chest. The thin vapourish sensation, like alcoholic fumes tightening my lungs to uselessness. The cough, not dry, but empty. Gainless. No other symptoms, no sniffling or headaches or phlegm.

On Saturday I woke, and I knew it had intensified. The feeling was stronger, an almost intangible pain upon swallowing. The temperature outside stole my breath, and I shivered under a thick coat. In the end I gave in and phoned the doctor, explaining quite simply that I was short of breath and had run out of my inhaler. The nurse I spoke to took things a little more seriously than myself, and two hours later I was picked up by a free taxi and deposited at the Western General. I receieved an inhaler, which the doctor unkindly informed me I was not taking correctly. She then presented me with a bizarre plastic chamber intended to assist me in the task.

It is now Sunday night. I have, I suppose, gained a day off work tomorrow - and in the process lost £50. My inhaler does not affect the sensation in my throat one bit. I have been lethargic, lying in bed thinking nothing and staring at the quilt centimetres from my eyes. Tomorrow, if it is worse, I should phone the doctor again. But I do not want to be a nuisance.

50 Questions

1. Elaborate on your default icon: Myself, apparently looking quite frightening. I'm at home, hence the Star Wars poster just visible in the background.

2. What's your current relationship status? Going out with someone.

3. Ever have a near-death experience? No, thankfully.

4. Name an obvious quality you have: I'm creative

5. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now? Bad Day

6. Any celeb you would marry? Well Adrien Brody I do suppose. Although the age difference is a little odd. Also I have no inkling of his personality so it would rely on a lot of blind faith.

7. Who will cut and paste this first? No one. :P

8. Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity? Just that girl from River City.

9. Do you wear a watch? Yes. Although I have a Swatch, and it's so loud I have to take it off when I sleep. I often forget to replace it and so then I suppose I'm then in the situation of not wearing a watch.

10. Are you pierced? Yup. Ears and also my navel.

11. Do you have any tattoos? Don't see it happening.

12. Do you like pain? Pain can be good. As long as it doesn't endanger oneself.

13. Do you like to shop? Uh. When it's quiet and I know what I want, then yes. But I think working in retail has crushed my enthusiasm for actually shopping.

14. What was the last thing you paid for with cash? The bus to work. A whole £1 coin.

15. What was the last thing you paid for with your credit card? Well probably Neil's Christmas Present. Debit card got eaten just before Christmas by a spiteful cash machine in Waverely.

16. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? My mother T_T

17. What is on your desktop background? A picture of a white bunny pulling on a lace throw. I was feeling scared when I set it there.

18. What is the background on your cell phone? Charlie and Sam sitting in the hall. They have such suspicious looks on their faces! (For being a cat and golden retriever, respectively.)

19. Do you like redheads? I have nothing against them.

20. Do you know any twins? Well there would be myself. Also my twin.

21. Do you have any weird relatives? Probably not THAT weird. Not like locked up the attic, or in prison for committing murder.

22. What was the last movie you watched? From start to finish (which would be remarkable for me) I'd say it would probably be King Kong. And that was with Neil forcing me. I did enjoy it though.

23. What was the last book you read? 'Digging to America'. It wasn't that amazing. I'm now reading both "Titus Groan" and "Sepulchre". Started ol' Titus first, but Sepulchre was a Christmas present from my boyfriend. It's more easily accessible, but a little grating sometimes.

24. Is there such a thing as love at first sight, or is it more likely to be lust at first sight? I'm still pretty certain that my first love just happened like that. Or maybe the memory has made it feel that way.

25. What's your favorite book? "Stolen Child". Without a doubt, no other book has enthralled and spoken to me quite so thoroughly. I would follow that most closely with, "The Bloody Chamber" by Angela Carter. Not a novel, but a collection of Short Stories. Each is so full of colour and life. I can identify with each sentiment so very much that to read the collection for the first time provoked an uncanny sense of déja vu within my soul.

26. When was the last time you visited the street where you first lived? I never have.

27. When was the last time you googled your own name? Fairly recently. Everyone has the name as me though. :p

28. What was / is your favorite subject at school? Music, English, Maths...

29. What was / is your least favorite subject at school? Hm. I suppose I detested everything else.

30. Do you like having your photograph taken? I don't mind. As long as I don't have to look at the result. :p

31. What time were you born? 10.29am

32. Ever seriously questioned your sanity? Yup.

33. How many phone numbers do you have remembered and can say off the top of your head? Maybe ten if I'm lucky. And half of them are useless to me now. My mobile does the rest for me.

34. Can you Limbo? Not without my lower back being destroyed, no.

35.Have you ever killed your own dinner? No. I'm vegan though, so that would be quite a feat.

36. How long have you been living at your current residence? Since June 2007.

37. What phobias do you have? Ghosts I suppose. And being alone.

38. What's your ideal breakfast? The best breakfast I ever had was homemade apple jam on some round bread with soy milk on the side.

39. Where are you right now? Typing away at my laptop? I'm in my flat.

40. Why do you blog? Because I enjoy writing and it gives me some measure of inspiration. I used to love writing in my diary. But my life is rather directionless currently, and so that does not particularly appeal at the moment.

41. What would you call your autobiography? Master of none.

42. What's the longest time you've stayed out of the country / where? A fortnight, when I was in Cyprus.

43. Do you use ICQ, AIM, etc..? Just MSN.

44. Do you have nightmares frequently? Yes. Especially when I don't have my earplugs.

45. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Totally. I would really love to meet another vegan pianist who is into Einaudi.

46. Which TV character could you be friends with? Lisa Simpson. :D Also I suppose Grissom.

47. What's on your mouse pad? I have a trackpoint that is slowly devouring my index finger.

48. What is your ring tone? I always have my phone on vibrate. Just the noise rankles me.

49. What did you watch on TV last night? I don't own a television. Made everyone at work think I was insane. But it's not that strange. :s

50. Scary movies or happy endings? Sad endings, actually.

Lately, I have been struggling. With a few things, it is true. But prominent among them is the severe Writer's Block that will not leave me. There are no poems, no diary entries, no random scrawlings, my soul is seemingly devoid. And this state is less than desirable. My real diary, the beautifully bound one with a red ribbon to keep the correct page, gathers dust.

But I do not wish to write in that diary. Because I do no know. My life is impossible to predict beyond one week. This is disquieting. My diary is as fixed in the future as the present, and without a future, it has only half a reason to exist.

I have been working. The life of a cashier is certainly not 'dull' this close to Christmas. Frequent rude complaints and returns. But a larger complaint would be my isolation in this flat. A reason to feel the wind upon my face is welcome, and I would not linger too long on the negative aspects of my job.

When my boyfriend is not here I do not miss him, unless I think so strongly upon that subject. But the first day he last left, I wandered around in such a state of irritability and anger. I did not know why. And then I realised it was because, for the first time, I felt a loss. I lay in bed and tried to imagine him next to me, to stroke his skin. But the sensation eluded me, and selfish little tears stung my eyes. I could not sleep until I was utterly exhausted.

I do not doubt that I love him. But in his absence, the feeling seems foreign almost.

It is approximately three minutes past the hour known as six. I, Emma Campbell, am bored. Bored in the terminal gnawing all-consuming fashion. So bored that the tasks I deem more exciting than my present vegetative internet-browsing state include washing my hair, and washing the plate in my room. The excitement in here is so tangible that the air itself is crackling with electricity.

Really.

This actually looks pretty cool, so I'm posting it here even though no one will ever read it. :D

List your top 10 most played bands on iTunes (or whatever):

1. Luovico Einaudi
2. Kate Bush
3. Yann Tiersen
4. R.E.M.
5. Feeder
6. OMD
7. Cyndi Lauper
8. Breaking Benjamin
9. Heart
10. U2

What was the first song you ever heard by 6 (OMD)?
I'd imagine it was Enola Gay, but my dad is a fan so I probably don't remember the first time I actually heard them.

What is your favorite album of 2 (Kate Bush)?
I don't actually do albums! Yes, I am that Generation that was probably murder the album. Hounds of Love is the particular song that has pushed Kate Bush into this list though, so take from that what you will.

What is your favorite lyric that 5 (Feeder) has sung?
I suppose, "Love in, love out, find the feeling." Just because when he sings it there's an ambiguity regarding the first line. Is it "loving" or love in"? And then I think about what both those meanings represent of course. :P

How many times have you seen 4 (REM) live?
I would unfortunately say never. But I'm not one for live concerts really, unless the content is purely classical.

What is your favorite song by 7 (Cyndi Lauper)?
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun! It's such a cheesy awful song, but it never fails to remarkably alter my mood (in a good way). Strange, I know.

What is a good memory you have involving the music of 10 (U2)?
I suppose when my sister bought their single, Stuck in a moment you can't get out of. I remember us listening to it constantly to the point where it was rooted in our brains. And we were obssessed with Lord of the Rings at the time also, so we decided that the lyrics were actually about elves of course. :P

Is there a song of 3 (Yann Tiersen) that makes you sad?
Comptine d'un autre été - L'apres-midi. This is a song that I listen to because it makes me sad. It comes from the Soundtrack to Amelie, but does not remind me of the film at all any more. It is a song about being alone, but also the tenuous hope that movement is just around the corner and out of sight. It is a song that has seen me write many journal entries and poems. There is such a contrast between the slow melody and the quickening pace as it stumbles towards gaining momentum. But it never quite does.

What is your favorite lyric that 2 (Kate Bush) has sung?
"I found a fox chased by dogs, I take him in my hands, his little heart it beats so fast, and I'm ashamed of running away." It's such a line, and always reminds me that even my most severe of worries should be taken into perspective, for they are not mortal dangers.

How did you get into 3 (Yann Tiersen)?
Through seeing the film, "Amelie".

What is your favorite song by 4 (R.E.M.)?
"Let Me In", which I have loved since I first heard it aged 9. Back then I told myself that the song was probably what love felt like. And funnily enough, for me it is. The static created by those distorted guitars, and Stipes voice rising above with those thin notes is just amazing. It's a song about yearning to be with someone, and the pain and joy that comes with that.

What is a good memory you have involving 2 (Kate Bush)?
Probably my dad playing her albums and stuff, in a general sort of way.

Is there a song of 8 (Breaking Benjamin) that makes you sad?
Not particularly. They're more of an angry band really. Or frequently uplifting. Usually both at the same time.

What is your favorite lyric that 3 (Yann Tiersen) has sung?
Pianists generally don't sing. :P

What is your favorite song of 1 (Ludovico Einaudi)?
I Giorni. I bought Einaudi's album for "The Waves", but fell in love with I Giorni the second I heard it. It's Italian for "The Days". It just makes me think of the hope of each new day, and all that can be accomplished. The fact that however much I do wrong, I still have so much time to right my actions. And it's so wonderful to play on the piano. There's a passage with broken chords, so short and not even repeated within the song, but when I play it it just seems that the music goes into my fingers, and not the other way round. Like someone has taken my hand and is leading me. It's hard to describe! And of course when I saw him perform it live I got tears at the corners of my eyes.

How many times have you seen 8 (Breaking Benjamin) live?
Never in my life. The lead singer has a phobia of flying too, so unless I go to America there isn't much hope.

What is your favorite album of 1 (Ludovico Einaudi)?
My album of sheet music, I'll say. I'm just not an album person! Einaudi's Best Of would be one of the 5 physical albums I actually own.

What is a great memory you have considering 9 (Heart)?
Geez. None really, I just really like one song of theirs.

What is your favorite cover by 2 (Kate Bush)?
I've never heard a cover by Kate Bush. *Shrugs*

So there you go! :P

The Soundtrack of My Life meme
Sorry but I can't remember who I got this from. Feel free to ask me to link it. :S Looks interesting anyway. Doing it for the second time as I am bored.

- Open your music library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc).
- Put it on shuffle.
- Press play.
- For every question, put the song that's playing.
- When you go to a new question, skip to the next song.
- Ready? GO!

Opening Credits: "Wuthering Heights" - Kate Bush
Fields
Waking Up: "Always" - Blink 182

Falling In Love: "Le Onde" - Ludovico Einaudi... awww, that's a lovely one. :)

Fight Scene: "Stonehenge" - Spinal Tap

Breaking Up: "Enigma of the Absolute" - Dead Can Dance

Make-up: "Le Valse D'Amelie" - Yann Tiersen

Secret Love: "Everywhere" - Fleetwood Mac

Life's Okay: "Cold Water" - Damien Rice

Mental Breakdown: "Cadenze" - Ludovico Einaudi (Man, that's like such a calm song. :S)

Driving: "When You Were Young" - Killers

Flashbacks: "With or Without You" - U2

Happy Dance: "9 Crimes" - Damien Rice, possibly the saddest song I own.

Regretting: "Out of Reach" - Gabrielle

Long Night Alone: "Firefly" - Breaking Benjamin

Final Battle: "God Gave Rock And Roll to You II" - Kiss (Ooh, righteous guitar-battle!)

Death Scene: "Runaway" - Bon Jovi (Sounds like a pleasant death.)

Final Ending: "My Heart Will Go On" - Andre somethingorother

Credits: "I don't sleep, I dream" - REM

Blah.

When I began University, it was with one prospect in mind. I wished to obtain a good job, and of course a good job pays good money! No regard did I give to my future enjoyment, to my present sanity, or indeed to what 'Chemists' actually do.

As far as I can discern from a year and a month of tedious lectures, we postulate upon the theories of unseeable and unknowable physical entities that are smaller than grains of sand. To do so for the rest of my life it seems, would prove to destroy my soul.

Ah, but without a tenuous metaphor drawn from my physical environment, the picture is not quite painted. Edinburgh has sharply fallen into autumn, leaves burning red as the air turns white with cold. There has been no rain, but one night when it splashed through my windowsill in broad drops. The wind too has not asserted its presence, but lurks, whispering nothings into the night. Except, I might correct myself, when I visited the castle. There it was jubilant, and gusted in from the sea, singing that the water had never been so darkly blue.

And yet my mind does not lavish metaphor upon the landscape quite so often as is usual. My thoughts I find are occupied with the more pressing matter of my life and its course. This afternoon when I returned from University, I did not wish to consider my troubles. I placed my head on the pillow and found pleasant, if impermanent, relief from my waking concerns. Now of course, those lost hours must be served. And serve them I shall, by going to eat a tattie scone.

It has quite suddenly become winter. In the two weeks since I was last in my flat, the temperature has changed dramatically. To stay comfortable it is no longer necessary to throw open the window and cast the duvet from the bed. In fact as I perch here on my computer chair, a chill slowly ebbs into my toes. But I do not mind at all, I actually enjoy this transition. It has drawn a clear line between what was, and what will be.

Summer is firmly over, and my first year at university is now only memories and journal entries. If my life was some fabulously over-dramatised novel, I would find two inexplicably empty pages between the last details of summer and this new blank sheet, titled only with the number of the chapter. And as much as I try to fathom what this academic year, this long winter and my life might hold, the page before me is still white. Will I guide the pen with my hand or will it compel itself to move? Only time, as they say, will tell.